5 Things pole dancing has taught me - that also double as life lessons

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." — Maya Angelou

With 12 years of pole dancing under my belt, it has me reflecting on how this amazing discipline has shaped me as a person and all the lessons it taught me over the last decade.

I have fallen in and out of love of it, but pole has been that one consistent thing in my life that was there through all the season of my life, good or bad.

Life lesson #1: What your ego wants is not necessarily what YOU need.

Have you ever obsessed over a trick, a skill you want to be able to do? Maybe you've come close, but it keeps slipping through your fingers like grains of sand.

For years I have pushed my body past its limits, only to feel the consequences later in life. My body pushed back, I got injured a lot and I knew it was time for me to learn my lesson.

The lesson arrived in 2023, when I decided to take the leap and sign up for Roxie Nebel's Yoga for Dancers Academy 3 month online intensive program.

I walked away with a brain full of juicy knowledge, a body that's never felt stronger and a newly discovered passion for body mechanics, nervous system regulation and high performance training blueprint. To keep it short, here's what I've learned in YDA:

1. How to train smarter and have a proper training routine.

2. How to regulate my nervous system that was so obviously fried from chronic stress and anxiety.

3. How to set goals and achieve them. Hell, even how to begin to believe I was deserving of any of it.

And I realised I know myself better now - so well actually, that I can tell when my ego is in the driver's seat (most of the time). As uncomfortable as it is, I don't let it dictate my next move anymore.

And if I really want something, there are no shortcuts - just hard work that pays off.

Life lesson #2: Real success is often invisible to others.

Isn't it just the best feeling? When you've been working so hard on something and it finally happens? A job. A savings goal. A project. A skill.

Whatever it is, you've put so much time and effort to make it a reality - and now it's yours.

The wins are often much easier to show and be appreciated by others. They know exactly what to congratulate us on, a solid piece of information to work with. Our brains like that.

But the road how we got there, is I think much more important and more worth celebrating.

It is the mindset that got us there in the first place. As the excitement of achieving a goal fades away and we're gearing up to do it all again, having an understanding of how we did what we did, helps us approach the next challenge.

True success is never measured in ticking things off of our to do list.

Acquire this. Achieve that.

Yes, it can be great metric to help us see how we're doing, but it is the behind the scenes experience that really shapes us.

No one ever sees how many times you had to fail to succeed.

Same with pole dancing. The amount of hours that go into it are often misunderstood by the general public, which is understandable. If somebody does something so effortlessly, we just assume it can't be that hard.

But it is. It is f*cking hard!

And it's totally okay to want to have something cool and shiny to show off.

We all want that.

But just know that, on a road to that next shiny thing, you are gaining SO MANY valuable skills, so try to be patient with yourself, don't cut corners in order to get there sooner and celebrate the process, however slow or mundane it can be at times.

Life lesson #3: You don't have to define yourself to feel accepted.

Back to our brains enjoying categorising things.

People.

Putting them in a box.

And when people step outside of that box, we're confused. "But...in my head, you're this. Oh. You're not that? You're this now too? Nah-ah, that's too confusing."

I've always struggled with defining myself. Or when I do define myself, it goes too far the other way, now my whole personality is whatever it is I anxiously attached myself to.

When I was little, I was a dancer.

The bendy kid.

I started doing pole, so I was that - a pole dancer.

Which, to my surprise, stayed with me for, as you can tell, quite a while.

Have I always loved pole throughout all these years? Heck no. There were times I thought about stopping altogether (about that later).

And when I did stop to take a break, or when I didn't have access to a pole to keep up with my training, I was anxious.

Anxious that all the progress I've made will be lost, erased, and I will not be who I'm trying to be.

It is funny, the stories we tell ourselves.

Years go by, and I feel less attached to the labels I give myself, or which people subconsciously put on me. I don't have a "niche".

I am me. Whatever that looks like on any given day.

What doesn't change, are my values. I try to enter every room with an open mind and an open heart. I work hard for things I really want and I always support and uplift the people closest to me. And this carries over to anything I choose to spend time on, whether it's pursuing a hobby or a career.

If this is relatable, then it's for you.

If it's not, that is ok too.

But no, just because you love pole, you don't have to make it your whole personality. You can be hella committed to it without losing yourself.

Me, playing a support for Alix Perez in Wānaka. (DJing is one of many things I love to indulge in.)

Life lesson #4: Progress isn't linear.

Have you ever tried to get better at something? Duh.

How did it go?

Did you learn a few basics, repeated them until they clicked and then moved onto the next thing?

And then onto the next thing?

During each of these "levels", was it always a smooth sailing, start to finish, every single time? I bet it wasn't.

You turn up and you expect to perform the same as last time, if not better. But ask yourself this - are you the same person as you were then?

Do you have the same amount of energy to give? Are you in the same mind state?

Everyone, but especially women, experience fluctuation in mood, energy levels and overall performance. Rather than as an excuse, try to give yourself some grace and get to know yourself better.

When it comes to learning a new skill, the transition from a complete beginner to anything above that, is, let's be honest, pretty rough.

In the exercise world, there is a known phenomenon called "Newbie gains".

Most beginners learn quickly.

Not all beginner moves are easy, but they are more or less simple. Simple for the brain to comprehend. Not completely impossible for the body either.

After you graduate from your intro beginner course and move to the next one to level up, your progress probably slows down. Your motivation drops. And you plateau.

Suddenly you feel like they are not achieving as much and as quickly. And that's completely normal.

Beginners see progress on a weekly or daily basis.

For intermediate or advanced levels, progress is measured over months, not weeks.

So focus on consistency and micro-victories like mastering your form or adding a single extra rep.

Heading #5: Community is more important than you think.

I was always the shy kid.

The awkward kid.

The one that ended up getting bullied and had very little desire to put themselves out there.

Since I never had much luck with making friends at school, when I tried to make friends outside of it, I struggled to integrate myself.

Here I was, in my first pole class back in 2014 - in a room full of strangers, and a chance to start fresh. I made friends in class and I also became close with the studio owner, which then grew into a long life/long distance friendship that we still have today.

I started teaching classes and slowly became someone who was not only in the community, but was helping to grow it.

Fast forward to today, I realise just how important it is to facilitate a safe and inclusive space for others. Not only from a business point of view, but on a deep personal level as well.

I carried the weight of my early disappointments into my adulthood and it stopped me from opening myself up to something bigger.

I thought I had to do it all on my own, but I was wrong. I have come to understand just how much more fulfilling it can be to share more of yourself with the outside world - to be held by it and supported by it.

You do not need to start teaching classes or start a business to find a community.

The community is already out there, full of people who are passionate about the same things as you are, willing to build deep, meaningful connections through shared moments.